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(I fucking love Paisley) So I signed up, inserted the usual witty comments in the appropriate boxes and tried to choose five pictures of myself where I'm not wearing my onesie or holding my cat. And within a few clicks that was it, I was uploaded! ” said my aggressively flirtatious and very-confident double. ” And so to the “search locals” box I went, selected one or two potentials (even that felt a little slutty…) and spent some time composing the perfect “Hi, I'm Emily, Please think I'm a nice person” message. Just pick another.” The slow realization dawned upon me that my identical twin had probably snubbed half of the lesbians in the area. But back to it I went, and within a few hours I'd sent maybe 8 messages, all personally tailored to the likes and dislikes of the smiling face that the profile belonged to. Because the sad truth is that, generally, online dating is the romantic equivalent of idly strolling past the shelves of your local supermarket. Imagining myself just standing in the corner of a gay-club somewhere, giving sultry and fleeting flirty nods to various women, I started to shoot out the “Hi's” and before you know it, I had some replies! Unless you're arguing with a 12 year old about the best character in “Friends” (obviously Chandler) then sarcasm has no place. Most people will check their dating app when they have spare time, or if they feel like a bit of a boost.
Twinny and I kicked back as I chain-refreshed my browser, waiting for the inevitable flock of women I was expecting. Within a few minutes, I see that potential-love-of-my-life number 1 has “viewed me” and so surely it's just a matter of time, right? The girl goes offline within a few seconds, no reply, and my foray into online dating seems doomed forever. ” Twinny told newly-single and fragile me, as my eyes started to well a little. If you like something, you pick it up and put it in your trolley (“Favorites”) but if you don't, it waving desperately at you and acknowledging all of your common interests isn't going to make a damn bit of difference. Who knew that being short and dismissive would actually work, eh? Like on a train or after hanging up on their screaming ex.
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